The Powerfully Insignificant, Unanswered E-mail

Today I gained a new perspective on my unanswered e-mail quandary. Yesterday and the day before, and the day before, I regarded my problem as one of always blaming myself when someone doesn't reply by answering me or even acknowledging acceptance of my message with a simple one-word statement like "aardvark" or "wonderful." Always looking for a way to re-frame my thoughts into a more positive or productive mindset, I feel good about it finally hitting me, my epiphany, which is probably quite obvious to many. It all came to me after reading the Daily Om. Today's message was written to address the problem of repeating the same mistakes over and over. It said we feel like we repeat our mistakes over and over again, even though they appear in different circumstances with different people; we tend to apply a filter of what we know from the past and apply it to the present, and so we can't move forward or see past what we see as a recurring problem. I was able to relate that concept to my writing to people after they already have a history of not responding. It immediately turned into realizing that I have a hard time letting go when something's not working, whether it's a job or a relationship or a way of dealing with a problem. That people have brushed me off before, intentionally or not, and I keep looking for more from them. I've never looked at it as not learning from what's really going on; instead I've been wondering what's wrong with me, and if I were a little better, funnier, smarter, more witty, better looking, more confident, or anything like that, then I would have a response from that person, or a different and better outcome, and that person would want to indulge me in spending some amount of time with me, engaging at whatever level, even if it would be as insignificant as responding "fine" to an inquiry into the state of things. When I wrote that e-mail, I knew it might not result in an answer, because it had happened before, many times with him. And yet I sent it anyway. I had received lots of responses from this person. There were also a few phone calls. Some of them returned, some not. All I needed to do to avoid this discontent, before I reached out, was stop expecting things from people who don't typically give back or follow through, know I would be disappointed, and choose to avoid even putting myself in that position to be disappointed. It's such a subtle, but important thing, learning to let go. I wonder how different my life would be if I only ever reached out to people I knew would respond or be receptive. I guess life will never be that easy.