Confessions

I thought some today and yesterday about the ill will generated by seemingly harmless remarks made about someone else when they're not around. I could tell a story to illustrate: After an obligatory moment of consideration about whether to talk about your friend Adam to your other friend, Julie, you say to Julie, "Adam told me that you didn't return his last 10 phone calls." You suddenly realize you didn't allow enough forethought for your comment when your friend Julie responds, "That is most certainly not true. I return all of his phone calls."
After the conversation, you think, Maybe I shouldn't have said that. Maybe Julie will tell Adam that I told her Adam said that. Even if she doesn't, she might stew about it for awhile. Julie's feelings will be hurt. Julie won't trust Adam anymore and will wonder what else Adam has said about her. Julie will confront Adam. Adam will become annoyed that I repeated something he said.
You feel guilty. You tell Adam that you told Julie what Adam said. Adam might have already known, if Julie talked to him first to vent her frustration at him for saying that in the first place, so he never speaks to you again in a candid and honest and friendly way like he used to. Julie doesn't trust you anymore. And so it goes.
My little story didn't happen, but it played out that way in my head, with visions of all the bad feelings that sprang up, real or not, from one thoughtless comment. I thought about this yesterday, feeling guilty for something seemingly harmless I said about someone to someone else. It wasn't about someone not returning someone else's phone calls, but it was about things I knew about the other person. I later told myself that I wanted to take a few more minutes to think about what I repeat to other people about someone else, so that my mind doesn't get consumed with thoughts of all the negativity I probably just generated.
Then, today, in a completely unrelated situation with completely different people, I did it again. I didn't feel bad at all when it happened, but I felt really guilty a few hours later and it bothers me tonight. Am I a bad person? Or am I just human? Do I think too much about insignificant trivialities? What difference does it make?
It's not done in a way that intends to cause harm. I've known people who have done this type of thing with the mischievous intention of causing damage, which is a different subject altogether. It's just conversation. Sometimes the comment or action is repeated because it seems wrong not to say something, when you know something about the person and they don't know that you know it. It's like making a confession to them. You feel better for telling them that you know something about them.
Human nature or not, talking about someone when they're not around can be a dangerous weapon, especially if the truth is twisted (intentionally or not) in the process. The answer is that if it bothers me that I do this, then only I have the power to change. Maybe it is normal, human behavior. But I can evolve if I can get myself to change for the better. I think.


One friend commented about what he considers the real problem to be --- it's a lack of the kind of trust that comes with knowing someone well. Maybe true, maybe not. Still doesn't exactly solve my problem.