Today I was going over in my head a small event that happened in July of 1993. A day of a seemingly carefully weighed decision happened that triggered more than a decade of regret. I was 20 years old. I had been dating someone for two weeks. I was blissfully happy and thought I had found an amazingly awesome person who had everything and offered everything I could ever want in someone. He was easygoing, funny, tall and good-looking. He had sparkly green eyes, beautiful hands, and liked everything I liked and his artistic nature was something I resonated with. I knew that after two weeks there was a lot more that I would want to get to know, but I loved what I knew so far. He wanted me to come with him to where he lived, 40 minutes away from my house. I was expecting an old friend to come and visit me then. He was traveling an hour and a half away. I left to be with the new guy to go to his house. The new guy told me if I waited for my old friend, I would never hear from him again (new guy). I tried to call my old friend and tell him I wasn't going to be home. I called and there was no answer. I left. I left a note. I thought about it and I didn't want to lose the new guy, or lose a chance to get to know the new guy better.
Later I realized this was the first of many control tactics the new guy would use to manipulate me. Later I realized how badly I treated my old friend. My old friend is still my friend, but probably still has not forgiven me for my utter inconsideration. At the time, when I apologized, he said that he was coming to town to visit another friend anyway, so it was no big deal. I don't know if it's true, but I do know that I still feel badly about it. If I could go back and change the past, this would be the one thing I would change. I would have stayed for my old friend. I would have picked up on the control tactic and made the new guy go back to his house by himself, no matter whether he would have talked to me ever again. I guess the question is how can this regret make me a better person? What can I do to make it better?
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3 comments:
Great post! It reminds me a little of an incident in my teen years, which I wrote about in a post called Broken Flowers.
In my opinion, the regret has ALREADY made you a better person. I would guess it plays a factor in the decisions you make today, how you value and treat friends, and the values you pass on to your child. You are making it better through the decisions you make today, and by someone in the next generation is learning from your mistake.
Thanks, Film Geek. That helps! I would like to go find your Broken Flowers post.
Recently when I tried to apologize to my old friend about that, and some other inconsiderate things I did, he said the way I treated him has made HIM a better person.
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