A couple of years have passed since I wrote and read here. People close to me have died, children have become adults, and I have been introspective only in my head lately, instead of converting and committing thoughts to tangible words and sentences. I came back because of reading what someone else wrote about turning 30, and it reminded me that I had some thoughts about when I turned 30 many years ago. Thoughts while being in my 30s. Many thoughts. Not the same ones, just thoughts. Most of what I wrote here, until today, was from ages 35-39.

I  have been struggling all month with thoughts of my sister. I want to not be angry at her for being disconnected from me. Her distance is not to the point of being estranged, just uninterested in me enough that she doesn’t keep in touch or answer back. A lot of what I wrote here years ago, although unrelated to my sister, would help me deal with that.

I’m still angry that she hasn’t answered my message I sent October 9th and it is now November 11th. I wanted her to answer about whether she and her family could have a birthday dinner for her and our mother. I knew if I asked her to join us, she might not answer and I knew that would make me feel upset. I knew if I didn’t ask her, I would feel guilty about not including her. I decided it was better to risk the pain of her not answering than to not invite and include her. Now that she hasn’t answered, I’m still upset and I don’t want to be. The frustration and hurt goes back throughout the last 20 years — too many years of feeling like this for me to let go of my hurt over her ignoring my birthday invitation as quickly as I would like to.

My friend Katarina suggested recently that perhaps my sister is jealous of me and that’s why she is distant. I pondered that for a few weeks. I have never believed she is jealous; I believe just the opposite, that she looks down on me. Even if she was ever jealous, why would that lead to her being distant? It’s not quite rational, but I’m open to the possibility that it could be rational. I have been considering how the illusion of her being jealous of me could make it easier for me to cope with the fact that she doesn’t want me in her life for whatever reasons — I know the main reason is that she is too busy with her family and her job to think about me much. Another thing Katarina reminded me about is that my sister is introverted, and I am not. I find my mind going to all the reasons she would have for not liking me as a person, all my faults and all my mistakes from when I was much younger. I guess that’s what hurts. That and maybe being forgotten. Being forgotten is different from being looked down upon. Or is it? Did being looked down upon precede being forgotten? Are any of these reasons even real? What difference does it make, other than what negative thoughts about this are swirling through the pathways in my brain, looking for a way to be free from the confines of my brain?

I had been upset for years that she rarely gets in touch with me when she comes to the town I live in for football games, and she lives three hours away. I see her once or twice per year. Someone very wise said to me last year, when I complained, something that made me feel much better about it, something that I had not really considered: I and my sister have very little interests in common. Hers and her family’s are in sports, hunting whatever’s in season, country music and church. Me — none of those things. Political preferences are different. (Insert shudder.)

I wrote here several times about the pain of people not responding. I haven’t covered here how this related to my sister. I’ve thought a lot about how our brains invent negative reasons about ourselves when someone fails to respond, and other people, instead of internalizing the reasons, simply assign the non-responder’s rudeness and inconsideration to the non-response and they move on.

Feeling the pull back and forth of how much a person gives versus how much he gets back are physics and mathematical problems, I believe. Someone told me he gives as much attention and love to a person as he receives, always, and he calls it the boomerang effect. Doing it on purpose is one thing, but when it happens unconsciously and both people are always giving everything they've got to each other, the effect can be a wonderful equilibrium of bliss and happiness and ultimate fulfillment. I wonder if the law of physics warrants this equal trade of energy and attention. It's draining and terribly disappointing if you give more energy, creative energy, thought, and attention and don't get the same back; eventually, or very soon, one will encounter a lack of will to keep giving and not getting back at the same level, and then it feels all very conditional. It's hard not to be disappointed in myself for putting out all that energy and not getting the same back, because I already know it will lead to disappointment, and hollow expectations, and I do it anyway.

The sun is on the back of my neck and shoulders, pushing me to believe I can shake off the negativity I've been feeling the last few days to make room for beauty and happiness in my life. One day I will act to not welcome this negativity in my life; the pattern I’m stuck in and want to get away from is two-fold: first, pretending negativity will not be the consequence to my actions, and, second, later living with the consequences that make me feel sad.

I heard!

This week I listened for continuing education credit to a judge talk about the importance of listening. I've been thinking about it for the past several days. This is a kind man, who thinks it's important to be respectful and civil and courteous when engaged in the practice of law. This civility he speaks of is a rule of professional responsibility ... and I was happy when I read it for the first time .... but, oh-what-a-surprise, it is not necessarily followed. The best thing he said was that when a person makes a decision about what someone else is saying, that person has stopped listening and fails to hear the whole message. It sounded pretty basic, but profound, and it was beautiful. So many of us are not good listeners. It made sense to me that it is because we prematurely judge (or just judge) and therefore tune out before we should. I've been talking a lot about listening lately, thinking about how good it feels when I know and feel that the person I'm talking to heard everything I said, and how bristly and frustrated and edgy I can get when I know someone has tuned out or will never get it because judgments have been made and I feel with pain that that person has nothing else to hear.

Food (and Juice) for Thought

Last year I brought cashews and juice to a stranger at a car dealership who sold me a car headlight bulb and installed it for me. He was installing it just to be nice, and, as he said, because he wanted me to come back. He cut his hand in the process of installing the light bulb on something sharp inside the hood of my car. I told someone that story and that someone said I was creepy for bringing gifts back to him. I saw the same guy today, as I was coming back to get something else on my car fixed. He walked out with me to look at the car and I told him he helped me last December. He said he doesn't remember. I told him I brought him juice afterward. He said, "Oh, I remember that. That was the nicest thing that happened to me all year." I laughed and said, "Well, but you cut your hand ...." Creepy? Magical? Sometimes there's a fine line.

Equilibrium

My wise and thoughtful friend Suchanderina said recently, "If you give away too much of yourself too fast, you will get hurt." I've had my heart broken three times in less than a year, she observed about me. I wasn't counting. If you never give any of yourself, then you can be just as miserable. I guess I have to look for a happy medium somewhere, as usual.

Silly shortcuts that aren't much shorter

Cake mixes are silly. Taking an extra step or two by using a recipe to make a cake is healthier and much more delicious. I am in disbelief that I had not discovered this long before now. I wrote the same thing about spaghetti sauce many, many months ago.